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Well... it's official. Camp is in four days. Gosh! I remember the last day when my parents came to drive me away from my real home. Apparently, a lot of days have gone by really quickly. Well, in only 96 hours, I will be top of the food chain in my Berkshire heaven. And by the way, feel free to write to me! Just IM me for the info.

I have a few things on my mind today. One of them happens to be rather odd, while the other is just over-the-top random. But honestly--it was this or packing and labeling the walk-in closet-full of clothes.

First off, I've been trying to figure out why some people drink decaf coffee. Honestly, I don't get it at all. What's the point of drinking a fuel without the fuel? The whole point of drinking coffee is to get some energy for the 90% of Americans who get close to no sleep! Why do you think the Sealy mattress people always have to drink coffee? It's because they have to avoid falling asleep on the mattresses. Drinking coffee that is decaffeinated would be like wearing an invisible hat inside. People only wear hats indoors because of aesthetics--they want to look good. If the hat was invisible, what would be the point of wearing it? Or it would be like...

• Exercising while eating a BigMac.
• Waving to a blind person.
• Skipping dessert at the Cheesecake Factory.
• Ordering a BLT at a deli, but substituting turkey for the bacon, mustard for the lettuce, and pickles for the tomato.
• Going to a beach resort to play PingPong. (And believe me, this happens.)

The other thing I'd like to share with the unfortunate readers of my ever-so-exciting blog is part of our family secret. As you may or may not know, our family somehow considers itself a restaurant critique service. In fact, one of my siblings works for the top Food Critic company in the US! Each time we enter a restaurant, my parents and I are looking for any signs of a rotten restaurant. My mother, for example, seems to always think that when no tables have food on them, it's a bad sign. I'm not one to follow this pattern, but it usually forces us out of the restaurant. Today, I bring you part 1 of like 100, the BREAD SIGN:

The first thing you look for is whether or not other tables have bread or a similar starter (such as pickles at a deli). If you see bread, that's a good sign--the place makes an effort. Now, the delivery is always important. Some places have a bread lady or man whose only job is to deliver the bread. Normally, though, you'll get the bread from your waiter either while you are deciding or after you've ordered. Check to see what type of basket/container it is in. Does it fit the theme of the restaurant? Are the colors representative of the food type? Then, check what kind of bread you've got. If it's warm, that's a good sign. Temperature control is really important. Look to see if you have a napkin that falls over the top to keep the bread warm. If it isn't even warm, that's a terrible sign. Check the bread for spices and balance of salt or fluffiness. Is the crust tough? Are all pieces baked consistently? Also, at this point, try to figure out if the bread was cooked at the restaurant or at a local bakery. You'll be surprised. The next biggest thing to check for is the accompanying topping. If the restaurant has given you pre-packaged butter "patties," that is a horrible sign. If, however, they give you some sort of homemade spread of expensive oil, that's a good sign. Max-A-Mia is a great example because they often serve (warm) bread with rotating oils, spreads, and tomato toppings. Sun-dried tomato is always nice to have in the spread. Sometimes, such as at First and Last Tavern, the bread is assorted. Whatever the bread may look, feel, taste like, it's almost always an excellent representation of the priorities and qualities of a restaurant. A restaurant with good priorities knows that the bread can make or break a visit. That, readers, is one of the Zweig secrets.